A word of warning: This email describes a panic attack. If that subject could be upsetting to you, you may want to sit this one out or scroll down to From the Bench at the bottom of the email.
The other day I had a panic attack.
If you’ve never had one, it’s hard to explain exactly what they are or how they feel. (If you have had one, it may have felt very different than mine.) I’m so “in my head” during one, it’s hard to remember when it’s over. But in something of a fugue state, I wrote this in the notes app on my phone right after it happened:
The Storm
Inside something grips
in the pit
of my stomach
while outside I'm losing hold.
I am cold
but hot and sweaty,
clammy, unsteady
and fighting tooth and nail
with every inhale/exhale
to keep my toast down.
Hands clenched,
half moons in my palms.
I am not calm.
I am not calm.
My heart feels tight, but it races
my brain, keeping pace and I'm breathless.
I am wrung.
I feel numb.
I know I should eat but I can't.
I can't breathe, so I pant.
I don't pray, but I'll grant
this one
Dear God,
make it stop.
The only chance of relief:
A pharmaceutical balm,
bitter under my tongue.
And now, feeling trapped, I wait
for the drug to abate
this existential storm.
When I read this, I can feel a glimmer of it. The sense of tighness, breathlessness. A feeling of being trapped.
(Meanwhile, my coworkers had NO idea I was going through this mental battle. At one point I politely excused myself to the break room, where I finally took half a xanax then paced, waiting for it to kick in.)
I hadn't wanted to take that pill. Paradoxically, I feel a lot of anxiety around taking it. I usually try to white knuckle my way through an attack, which makes them last longer, and incapacitates me.
All this only adds to the mental burden.
A panic attack feels truly awful, and also, in the midst, it feels like it will never end. But once I took the medication, I knew relief would come.
While I waited for the pharmaceuticals to work their magic, I wracked my brain for the right quote. The pendant I had on wasn’t doing the trick, as it was a reminder to live in the present moment.
In this case, the present moment sucked.
But I was thinking of another piece I’d made:
“I'm a burden on my own heart”.
A reminder that I’m often in my own way. I’m making things harder on myself.
That sometimes, you just need to take the prescribed medication.
Or let someone in. (One co-worker offered a cold compress. Another told me to take as much time as I needed, while yet another had a family member with similar struggles and understood completely.)
I thought of one other piece too:
"Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise."
Words penned by Victor Hugo, from his drama Les Miserables. I chose to base this flower on a Hellebore, a flower with powerful symbolism. In Victorian floriography, or the "language of flowers" hellebore is tied to anxiety, due to the flower's toxic qualities. But there are medicinal benefits to the hellebore as well, and it is also a symobl of resilience and endurance.
I kept the petals dark, the words subtle, almost imperceptible on the surface. Hard to see but there, like the break of dawn after dark. A reminder that "this too shall pass."
This might have been the one I needed.
So, why am I telling you all this?
I don’t know exactly.
Only, for so long it’s something I’ve tried to hide or handle on my own. I guess I realized I don't want to be alone in this.
That I'm NOT alone.
And, I suspect some of you reading this have had a similar experience. Maybe you are going through this, feeling alone. And you’re not alone.
I'm telling you, because it tells you so much about me. It’s a big part of why and how I make jewelry. Why I make pieces to ground me physically. I hunt for words that soothe. I want to make something I can touch, when I'm feeling too much.
And I'm telling you because, maybe a little selfishly, I want your words.
I want to hear the words that you love. I want to hear the phrases you repeat, that give you a little boost of courage, or confidence, or comfort. I want to hear how you get through times of stress or panic.
"I’ve been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened" -Mark Twain
Please hit reply and give me your words of wisdom!
From the bench...
I've had a shopping cart saved at my main metal supplier for over a month. I'm not very good at "playing the odds" but I was saving it in the hopes that the prices of gold and silver would drop to level where I could buy a little more comfortably.
What I didn't expect, however, was to not have to option to buy it at all, at any price. Because, you see, silver is out of stock, in every size I use, and my current stock is dwindling.
So, what's a girl to do? I'm itching to get into the studio and make work but I have limited resources. So, I got scrappy. Literally! I recently rolled out some scrap gold that I had from past projects.
With limited time, and now, limited resources, I have to be much more selective about what I make. I may not be able to make much, but...I can make it in gold!
The next few weeks I'll be focused on making a few classic pieces for the upcoming Laudholm Nature Crafts Festival in Wells Maine (September 12-13) as well as the trunk show I'm doing at Frameology in Saratoga NY on September 18 (I'm so excited about this because Amanda will have reps with tons of glasses from Anne et Valentin and Theo Eyewear, two of my favorite eyewear designers. I maaaaaay end up needing another pair of glasses!)
I can't tell you when I might have new work on the site, though I am toying with the idea of something like "Workbench Wednesdays" where I give you a more in depth back story on a piece (or two) and make them available on the site. I can't promise consistency just yet, but I do intend to give you more backstory on the pieces I make, and the why behind them, like the pieces I talked about today.
I'm also opening up the waitlist for custom slots to create a blooming kinetic flower with your words. I can't stress enough how limited these slots are, both due to my time and resources, so if this has been on your wish list for a while, get your name on that list!
In the meantime, I did just add this Rilke piece "I am a burden on my own heart". If it resonated with you, you can find it by clicking the button below this image.
I'm in my "era" of radical honesty and vulnerablity. If you're here for it, stay here for it.
Much love,
erin
This post was published